Sunday, December 12, 2010
Coming Out Part 2 Continued On Lifes incredable Journey
Dr.Kinseys study is well worth a read...
Another beautiful day In Bahrain
I am speaking from my heart today..A heart filled with Joy!!
Continuing with the statement people make you lie...Peope start you to lying at a very early age...Men I would like you to remember your first lesson, that maybe something was wrong with you!! mine came when I was 5 years old,( I have something even until today ,something unusual, I all upstairs! most people falldownstairs) well one day when I was about 5, my stepfather was rushing me ,and a lot of homes in Louisiana have high porches with 4 to 6 or more steps to the porch. So while rushing up the steps I fell up the steps and cut my knee very badly, it was bleeding very much and I started to cry, My stepfather shouted at me "shut up boys don't cry! Now i feared my stepfather with everything in me,He was a very bitter brutal man. I remember thinking as i looked down at my bleeding knee,I knew I wanted to cry, and my thought was I am a boy, I hurt,and I am a boy ! "what is wrong with me?
Now trust me this story holds no emotional scars for me,because now I understand it, ( I made peace with that little mans image a long time ago.)The story is just an example of how societies insecurities are passed on.( But I often wonder where his pain started) that was the day I learned to hide, to hide my emotions , to hide my truths!.
My Grandmother died in 1979, i had just arrived home for her birthday on a visit from San Fransicco, and she had a stroke just the next day. My Grandmothe loved me just as I was,and on her deathbed she made me promist to come home for at least 3 years.....Those were the longest 3 years of my life..!!!! You can never go back and as I have mentiond San Fransico had given me an illusion of freedom. I could not step back into the person that had left years before. So I lived an open double life, outwardly I lived a very wild image of who everyone thought I was...privatly I lived a very solitary life,( I did not answer the 3am knocked on the door!) Everything around me was so superficial, the good thing about that superficiality was that it was something I knew....and did not have to live it (the elephant in the room).
It was the perfect time in my life for soul searching, for finding myself, because I was really lost..My Grandmother was a very wise woman..Coming out is a lifetime journey!!! I was 17 years old the first time a man asked me if I was gay! I knew nothing about the word or what it implied, so my answer was yes because i thought he was asking if I was happy!!! But Jazzlovers I earned that night what it really was!!!Thank you Mr. Vagun, You are someone I will always remember as a sweet, sweet man...
Much of the discussion on "Gay Life" is based on other peoples percetions of who gay people are....I attended the very first gay march on washington in 1987 and if anyone becomes honest and publish the actually numbers they would realize that Mr Kinsey had it right...There were 1.5 million same loving gender people there, and they looked just like everyone else in this country.....Of course the media focused on their own view of who we are....the fringe!!
I did not ask for this this gift but some how I found that God does not make mistakes and I have a loving heart and no one defines me but God..And since I can not lie to God I am no longer going to lie to man...nor will I allow anyone to define me but me....I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to fit a type,I am not what you see in the media!! I look just like you.....and when i say I am a Man that loves men I mean just that..I have had wonderful love in my life and I can count them on one hand..
I speak for no one but me,,,But I know the journey to wholeness is not easy for anyone living a lie..I am so blessed to find myself in this serious world of hipocrocy...and Jazz lovers My heart is filled with Joy..Iam intellegent, smart, Talented,and have wonderful people in my life that loves me just as I am..I am spiritual, and love the Creator of this Universe with every fiber of my being..I am Not A Gay Man...I am a Black Man who Loves Black Men, There is a difference.I Believe in Love
For My Brothers and Sisters coming behind me, I know it is not easy but being true to yourself is worth the battle...And if they are not doing the 4 F's don't even give them a second thought. Because Living your life in honesty is an incredable journey...Not easy but incredable....
This weeks JazzLover Recomendations!!!
Camille Yarbrough " The Iron Pot Cooker" Please get this before it goes out of print.....Take a listen Men and women....Why does it always come out Mad!!!!
This is my favorite Cuts!!
Love this one too
Now the truth
Now Miss Della Reese.. From the cd "The Angel Sings"
My New Theme song!! It took me a while to get heere..
This is where I am now.....Don't settle for less
Until next time I have no idea where this journey will take me but come back!!
Keep The Beat....