Monday, July 5, 2010
Thoughts of My Father
My Father 1937
A Beautiful Summer day here in Beautiful Bahrain..
My Father has been on my mind since Fathers day this year..I have been thinking of him a lot.. I have said often in this blog that when one clears his mind of past ramifications of actions that caused pain, the view is so much clearer...On my home town Facebook page, a lot of people were writing about their fathers, and their remembered experiences were beautiful..This was my entry..."My Father was a good man in the community, He had a kind heart and was well liked....He was a very good provider..But he knew nothing about love and when he would bring Mr.Vodka home he could be crazy as Hell !!!! and I loved him...He was one of the most innocent men I have ever known.." The reason My Father has been on my mind is becasue after saying this it I realized was very true...because I really did not know my Father growing up, I am just starting to know him..even though he was in my life...
My parents divorced when I was 2 years old but my father was in the Pacific when i was born and they never lived together after he came home...He was writing another woman and all the mail came to my mothers house, and in her pain she never took him back! You see he was her first love...and she never stopped loving him...so for the first 6 years of my life he was not there..I knew who he was and would see him driving and when he stopped at his sisters cafe, but he never addressed me in any way never blew his car horn or iniated any contact...I caught a whipping every Monday from my Stepfather because I was to pick up my child surpport from an Aunt's house where my father left the $3.75 a week. Every week i baught a Mule (Ginger bread only found in the south) for 25 cents...I felt it was my right!!Smile and I knew I would catch a whipping but it was mine!!! This was the interaction I had with my father for the first 6 years of my life....
At 6 I had a very traumatic experience , I was raped by a very trusted member of our community..Talk about a life changing experience...I don't remember the horror of the rape it'self but the ramifications I remember very well..you see I told and they really did not know how to deal with it so it was easier to silence me that it was to deal with the legal actions...My mother to remove me from harms way sent me to live with my father..This stranger...I will never forget the smell of his car (a Willis Jeep) it was so strange to me...it took me a year to call him Daddy...My stepmother bless her gave me healing time, I will forever love that woman....and her Mother My Grandmother was my life line....it took me a year to start trusting once more but that trust is still severly fragile..6 is too young to become an adult...After 9 I never lived in the same house hold 2 years in a row..until I left home for good.
Now back to my statment on face book that is is the truth.. I did learn things about my father,the most important thin I learned was that he was not a happy man...I learned why the night I left home for good..when he revealed his saddness for losing my mother...that is the only time in my life my father told me he loved me..but by now I did not trust that...it came tooo late..because by now I was Battling my own issues...and my father died 2 years after that night...and that is where this story starts....
It was at my Fathers funeral I realized I had tears in my eyes, not from sadness that he was dead , I was crying because I had no idea of who was laying in that coffen !!!....Who was this man ? What was he too me? What had I missed?I was so confused!!And I put it totally out of my mind all these years until 2 years ago when I had the first dream of him..In the dream I was back home and I was helping him to my mothers funeral and I had to carry him, I remember in the dream how heavy he was and he was holding on to me so tightly and how many road blocks that were in our paths but I did not drop him and I found comfort in holding him. when we Got to the funeral home I told him you have to go on alone..that dream has stayed with me...until today...
Every photo I have of my father was taken after I was born, bascilly when I knew him until 2 days ago when My Cousin sent me the above Photo...This photo I have never seen, it was taken in 1937 at his place of employement and where he met and married my mother a year later..and this is the man I would have loved to know! I love the twinkle in his eyes, this man I can understand my mother falling in love with!!I completely healed seeing this photo to know there was a time he was free and confident,before he was hurt! I love the look on his face, this is the man I have been looking for all my life and I finally met him and I can let him go now..This is my validation.
Until next time
Keep the beat...