Monday, July 5, 2010

Thoughts of My Father

My Father 1937

Hello Jazzlovers,

A Beautiful Summer day here in Beautiful Bahrain..

My Father has been on my mind since Fathers day this year..I have been thinking of him a lot.. I have said often in this blog that when one clears his mind of past ramifications of actions that caused pain, the view is so much clearer...On my home town Facebook page, a lot of people were writing about their fathers, and their remembered experiences were beautiful..This was my entry..."My Father was a good man in the community, He had a kind heart and was well liked....He was a very good provider..But he knew nothing about love and when he would bring Mr.Vodka home he could be crazy as Hell !!!! and I loved him...He was one of the most innocent men I have ever known.." The reason My Father has been on my mind is becasue after saying this it I realized was very true...because I really did not know my Father growing up, I am just starting to know him..even though he was in my life...

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old but my father was in the Pacific when i was born and they never lived together after he came home...He was writing another woman and all the mail came to my mothers house, and in her pain she never took him back! You see he was her first love...and she never stopped loving for the first 6 years of my life he was not there..I knew who he was and would see him driving and when he stopped at his sisters cafe, but he never addressed me in any way never blew his car horn or iniated any contact...I caught a whipping every Monday from my Stepfather because I  was to pick up my child surpport from an Aunt's house where my father left the $3.75 a week. Every week i baught a Mule (Ginger bread only found in the south) for 25 cents...I felt it was my right!!Smile and I knew I would catch a whipping but it was mine!!! This was the interaction I had with my father for the first 6 years of my life....

At 6 I had a very traumatic experience , I was raped by a very trusted member of our community..Talk about a life changing experience...I don't remember the horror of the rape it'self but the ramifications I remember very see I told and they really did not know how to deal with it so it was easier to silence me that it was to deal with the legal actions...My mother to remove me from harms way sent me to live with my father..This stranger...I will never forget the smell of his car (a Willis Jeep) it was so strange to took me a year to call him Daddy...My stepmother bless her gave me healing time, I will forever love that woman....and her Mother My Grandmother was my life took me a year to start trusting once more but that trust is still severly fragile..6 is too young to become an adult...After 9 I never lived in the same house hold 2 years in a row..until I left home for good.

Now back to my statment on face book that is is the truth.. I did learn things about my father,the most important thin I learned was that he was not a happy man...I learned why the night I left home for good..when he revealed his saddness for losing my mother...that is the only time in my life my father told me he loved me..but by now I did not trust came tooo late..because by now I was Battling my own issues...and my father died 2 years after that night...and that is where this story starts....

It was at my Fathers funeral I realized I had tears in my eyes, not from sadness that he was dead , I was crying because I had no idea of who was laying in that coffen !!!....Who was this man ? What was he too me? What had I missed?I was so confused!!And I put it totally out of my mind all these years until 2 years ago when I had the first dream of him..In the dream I was back home and I was helping him to my mothers funeral and I had to carry him, I remember in the dream how heavy he was and he was holding on to me so tightly and how many road blocks that were in our paths but I did not drop him and I found comfort in holding him. when we Got to the funeral home I told him you have to go on alone..that dream has stayed with me...until today...

Every photo I have of my father was taken after I was born, bascilly when I knew him until 2 days ago when My Cousin sent me the above Photo...This photo I have never seen, it was taken in 1937 at his place of employement and where he met and married  my mother a year later..and this is the man I would have loved to know! I love the twinkle in his eyes, this man I can understand my mother falling in love with!!I completely healed seeing this photo to know there was a time he was free and confident,before he was hurt! I love the look on his face, this is the man I have been looking for all my life and I finally met him and I can let him go now..This is my validation.

Thanks Cuz...

Until next time


Keep the beat...



  1. Dorson, this is simply beautiful. Heart-pulsing elegance. Love and Peace to you, Rosalind

  2. D, what introspect and expression of the same. I am so moved by your writing and sharing. I have not been under my own power in my quest to find artifacts that I knew held personal worth--now I understand why I have been so driven. Love you so much.


  3. I followed your paths, I am deeply moved by the events in your life. You never knew your strength, even at 6 yrs old, you were strong. Your life was filled with incompleteness up till now. And it only happened AFTER the dream when you carried your father to your Mother where it all started. You had to leave him there. The picture is the father that you never knew but the Father that was always there. You had so much pain that you never really looked at him like that. It is beautiful that you are free. Bless your heart. There is a story in all of us...but do we dare to share. Thank you for letting me in. cherish the picture of your father!

  4. Stell Thank you, You are so right.When I look back without the emotional baggage of the time, I open myself to understanding and forgiveness ,when I look at this photo, I see the innocence I often saw in my father and I am filled with love for is very liberating..
    Thanks Stell.

  5. Hmph!! I am so envious of your progress, Dorson. Working through such rough emotional issues as these can take a life time and some of us do not even get that luxury! So much of our lives and expression can be withheld from us until they find resolution. They can be like a bad math equation, lol!

    I admire and envy you for setting your equation right :) It must be beautiful to find such peace. It's nice to know it's possible! Thanks for sharing your story!

    P.S. I can't believe you took your money every week regardless of the consequences. Now THAT'S some gusto!

  6. Thanks Thomas it really does feel good..
    On the P.S.I had to laugh at that too!It was gutsy to spend that quarter every week,but it was something I just had to do...

  7. What a retrospective of your life as a child. My father was an alcoholic & a 3 pack a day smoker. He was truly physically addicted to both items. I think his neurosis kicked in back when he was a kid & his Mom died- with 6 siblings left to raise. He was the oldest male 16 & I imagine a lot of responsibility fell on his shoulders. Plus back then, boys in general were told to stuff their feelings, not allowed to display their emotions.
    Every kid in that family turned out to be either clergy (the one girl a nun, & one boy a Christian Brother)... or an alcoholic.
    Dad was not abusive to us as he was absent. Having a person there who is not really there... either drunk & talkative, or sober & withdrawn, really, for all practical purposes, made my Mom essentially a single parent.
    You had major traumas of your own, and how sad back in the day, so many people opted to protect the criminal behavior of the offender, rather than the victim. It would have done you good to know that person was in jail, rather than free to continue to violate others. They prey on young kids with threats of harm to their parents or them if they tell.
    So you had a pretty solid core of justice to tell. Even though you had no idea that would trigger the changes in your life that would happen.

    It's a bittersweet memory you have.
    But that sepia toned old photo does show a different person in a different era that was before his life fell apart.

    At least he had it together to say he was sad he "lost" your Mother & that he loved you.

    People need to hear someone say they love you out loud.
    We all need to be loved, even if was in the midst of a whole lot of serious messed up stuff.

  8. Thank you Fran and you are so was not until I saw this photo that I really understood.. "But that sepia toned old photo does show a different person in a different era that was before his life fell apart."
    My healing and I am now really loving my Father...because I now understand my self.