Happy New Year and Other Hype Which is Life?

Dusted living room!!


Hello Jazz Lovers a Sand Storm Day In Bahrain....


I say often that life is a facinating journey and it reminds me often!! I woke up and got an early morning laugh at just how funny life can be....My group of friends and I did our New years Ever gathering  Thursday Night because here they double the prices on New Years Eve, for the same old thing...We had a wonderful evening...Well I spent New years Eve cleaning the house from top to bottom...( I have a friend arriving for a month tomorrow..) My Friend Martyn did the same......Well this Morning we woke up to a Major Dust Storm!!!! Now everything is covered with enough dust to grow plants!!Martyn was upset to say the least !! I just had a good laugh...Because jazz Lovers that is really life!!! But if anyone thinks I am going to dust once more !!!!No Way, I will say to my friend Welcome to Bahrain!!!

I trully enjoyed the cleaning  yesterday, it was reflection time... I thought a lot about things and about the past and had some good Jazz going so it was a great day....Resolutions?? NoWay that is one of the things I have learned..a resolution is only good the day you make it!! I went to bed early and set the alarm for 11:50 PM, I woke up poured a glass of wine and waited until 2 minutes to 12 and called my new love, I wanted it to be the last voice I heard in 2010 and the first I heard in 2011, I am a hopeless romantic!!! Went back to bed and woke up to a dust storm and a belly laugh....Life is an amazing journey.."The best laid plans"etc..

So Jazz lovers I start this year with much Joy in my heart because I have learned you can not plan life you just have to live it..and be open to what ever it brings you way...This Universe is an amazing place to be...embrace it and enjoy every minute, spread love and it will definitly come back to you!!! I have Friends all over the world that I love and they love me just as i am...I have so much to be grateful for and that is the feeling I am bringing into 2011...Where even a dust storm is beautiful...

Now i need to finish my blackeyed peas!!

Recomendations:

Dianne Reeves   "That Day"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3j8L6wKpQA&feature=related  Better days!

Truth!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhguVNWoj3k    Ain't Nobody's buisness if I do!!

Well Jazz Lovers

Until Next Time,,,

Keep the beat!!


Happy New Year!!!!


DW Jazzlover

Coming Out Part 2 Continued On Lifes incredable Journey

One of Dr. Kinsey's most well known theories is the "Heterosexual/ Homosexual Rating Scale," which rates a person's homosexuality or heterosexuality on a 7-point continuum.



Dr.Kinseys study is well worth a read...


Another beautiful day In Bahrain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ8XkY6Too0

Hello Jazzlovers,

I am speaking from my heart today..A heart filled with Joy!!

Continuing with the statement people make you lie...Peope start you to lying at a very early age...Men I would like you to remember your first lesson, that maybe something was wrong with you!! mine came when I was 5 years old,( I have something even until today ,something unusual, I all upstairs! most people  falldownstairs) well one day when I was about 5, my stepfather was rushing me ,and a lot of homes in Louisiana  have high porches with 4 to 6 or more steps to the porch. So while rushing up the steps I  fell up the steps and cut my knee very badly, it was bleeding very much and I started to cry, My stepfather shouted at me "shut up boys don't cry! Now i feared my stepfather with everything in me,He was a very bitter brutal man. I remember thinking as i looked down at my bleeding knee,I knew I wanted to cry, and my thought was I am a boy, I hurt,and I am a boy ! "what is wrong with me?

Now trust me this story holds no emotional scars for me,because now I understand it, ( I made peace with that little mans image a long time ago.)The story is just an example of how societies insecurities are passed on.( But I often wonder where his pain started)  that was the day I learned to hide, to hide my emotions , to hide my truths!.

My Grandmother died in 1979, i had just arrived home for her birthday on a visit from San Fransicco, and she had a stroke just the next day. My Grandmothe loved me just as I was,and on her deathbed she made me promist to come home for at least 3 years.....Those were the longest 3 years of my life..!!!! You can never go back and as I have mentiond San Fransico had given me an illusion of freedom. I could not step back into the person that had left years before. So I lived an open double life, outwardly I lived a very wild image of who everyone thought I was...privatly I lived a very solitary life,( I did not answer the 3am knocked on the door!)  Everything around me was so superficial, the good thing about that superficiality was that it was something I knew....and did not have to live it (the elephant in the room).

It was the perfect time in my life for soul searching, for finding myself, because I was really lost..My Grandmother was a very wise woman..Coming out is a lifetime journey!!! I was 17 years old the first time  a man asked me if I was gay! I knew nothing about the word or what it implied, so my answer was yes because i thought he was asking if I was happy!!! But Jazzlovers I earned that night what it really was!!!Thank you Mr. Vagun, You are someone I will always remember as a sweet,  sweet man...

Much of the discussion on "Gay Life" is based on other peoples percetions of who gay people are....I attended the very first gay march on washington in 1987 and if anyone becomes honest and publish the actually numbers they would realize that Mr Kinsey had it right...There were 1.5 million same loving gender people there, and they looked just like everyone else in this country.....Of course the media focused on their own view of who we are....the fringe!!

I did not ask for this this gift but some how I found that God does not make mistakes and I have a loving heart and no one defines me but God..And since I can not lie to God I am no longer going to lie to man...nor will I allow anyone to define me but me....I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to fit a type,I am not what you see in the media!! I look just like you.....and when i say I am a Man that loves men I mean just that..I have had wonderful love in my life and I can count them on one hand..

I speak for no one but me,,,But I know the journey to wholeness is not easy for anyone living a lie..I am so blessed to find myself in this serious  world of hipocrocy...and Jazz lovers My heart is filled with Joy..Iam intellegent, smart, Talented,and have wonderful people in my life that loves me just as I am..I am spiritual, and love the Creator of this Universe with every fiber of my being..I am Not A Gay Man...I am a Black Man who Loves Black Men, There is a difference.I Believe in Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgUos8YKG9k

For My Brothers and Sisters coming behind me, I know it is not easy but being true to yourself is worth the battle...And if they are not doing the 4 F's don't even give them a second thought. Because Living your life in honesty is an incredable journey...Not easy but incredable....


This weeks JazzLover Recomendations!!!

Camille Yarbrough " The Iron Pot Cooker" Please get this before it goes out of print.....Take a listen Men and women....Why does it always come out Mad!!!!
This is my favorite Cuts!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLC9PnefeEI

Love this one too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnrToEgTMK4

Now the truth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ugjXmsOpks&feature=related

Truth!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Fe74mFOxUk&feature=related

Now Miss Della Reese.. From the cd "The Angel Sings"

My New Theme song!! It took me a while to get heere..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgUos8YKG9k

Oh Yes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4EsZ84Q08g&feature=related

This is where I am now.....Don't settle for less

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4EsZ84Q08g&feature=related

Well Jazzlovers

Until next time I have no idea where this journey will take me but come back!!

Keep The Beat....

DW JazzLover

"Coming Out' Part One (1) This For You AJ

I don't plan to Die as a Lie...

A Very Beautiful Day ToDay!!

Hello Jazzlovers,

There will be some interesting recommendations at the end of the blog!!!


I lost a very good friend this week, I don't have the details yet but I did get the news...I had been looking for him for over a year..I mentioned him to my Cuz in an email  a day or so ago, and i got the news from her today...I have mentioned him on my hometown blog and everyone had amnesia..Why you ask? Because  he was a man who loved men! Some have amnesia because of convictions,some because of a guilty Conscience, and some for what ever reason...and all of this is a results of the Environment  we were reared..It is nobodies fault...Please understand that!! It is because people make you live a lie!! And all of our experiences of coming out is very different..The Friend I called today to confirm, is a friend from 1st grade,and has been out since 1st grade,He has also had his challenges... 

There are so many things being said and written about being "Gay"or as my personal choice of terms is A Man who loves Men. But coming out is a life time journey. It is coming to grips with Gods love, in spite of this world,it is a journey into One's self...it is understanding God does not make misstakes. I am speaking only for me! But AJ,s Crossing over really made me think about it..I truly hope he came to grips with it..Because he was a beautiful person... Also one of the best Drum Majors My High Shcool ever had.. " That is what I mean about Amnesia!!!

It is Hell living a life that even those living it, don't understand it. If there are any more letters added to gay life! We would have our own alphabet, LGBT,DL(down low) it only means we are all looking for an Idenitity  and like the fingers on your hand we are all different...

The only time in my life I lived openly as a Man who loves Men,was the 2 years I lived in San Francisco in the Castro. yet how open was that? There are many divisions in the M2M community and even among people who are discimanted against, as a Black man, there was still the age old discriminations. The Castro like Montrose, Throckmorton,The Village, etc are all Ghettos (safe Ghettos) because when you leave the area there are still attitudes..Where ever you go you take your issues with you,,

I hope AJ found what I did....I have finally intergrated myself...1st I am a Man, 2nd I am a Black Man,3rd I am a Man who loves Men, and I self lovingly are all three...I am not confused, nor do I now or ever wished I were a woman,( I love Women though) I don't play a role, (Why is that always the first question/) in bed,When I am with a man I am with a man and those posssibilites are unlimited.. (take a monent to think about that). Don't get me wrong I have gone through some serious confusion in my life about why! That is set in motion early in a society filled with roles, it was very hard to find myself,and I thank this Universe that I did at last.

People make you lie! Not for your comfort but for theirs..But living a double life insults our creator...You can lie to man but you cannot lie to God..

Rest in Peace My dear friend...

To Be continued........There is much more to say about coming out!!!

This post music recommendations:

"Children of The Night" Cassandra Wilson 2003

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUny2g-FpCE

"The Red Earth" Dee Dee Bridgewater

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cr7kG1MvrM

"The Sea" Rod Mckuen with  Anita Kerr Composer and arranger..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qbPpxgIE-w

Book Recomendations:

"What Becomes of the Brokenhearted"  E.Lynn Harris  is a must read...

'Just Above My Head"  James Baldwin.. Well Worth reading before it goes out of print...

Jazzlovers This blog is still finding it's voice, it's melody, it's lyrics and it beat..so stay with me...

Until next time Jazzlovers..

Keep the beat!

DW Jazzlover..

Nesting and Collecting Nine Months Later

Nine months ago..

A Beautiful day In Bahrain

Hello Jazzlovers,

Those of you following my blog know that I moved to a new flat in March, and this week the last box was unpacked...Most of the time when we move we unpack everything right away.I have always been one of those people who just have to "nest" where ever I am, and I tend to collect...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yemAeNSxjLg    Minnie Riperton

Aging is amazing!, Life is such an amazing journey...I like nice and unusual things,I like some very tacky art pieces, those with taste, I love color,I like rare things, I love things given to me by friends,and family,that know this about me and give me things that they see that reminds them of me...The amazing thing about this is it is an interesting  photograph of how they see me..It is beautiful because it shows me what of themselves they see in me..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_51XbAe_Izk   Big Maybelle

The reason I say that aging is amazing is because of the things I have kept with me on all my moves ( I once had storage on three continents) through many countries and places, I am just starting to understand many things,the items you move because you love them, but not the pieces you bought because it was a statement piece or a piece to pull it all together those you put in storage,  I began to understand the next place will be different and you can not replicate the place you are leaving..But as a gypsy I tend to take those items of comfort from each place I live..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saR7O829FCU     Della Reese

My Sisters home  is a home no matter if it is a house, an apartment, really no matter where, it is the most beautiful and warm place. You see my sister like me is a sentimentelist. We value those in our lives that have brought us kindness and joy.. My sister collects those memories,she collects the things the other relatives don't want when their mother, father , brother,sisters,aunts,uncles,passes on into the universe...and these are the very pieces that makes her home a home..When the left behind relatives visit her home they always remember the piece and have a story...my sister also collect these stories...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_b9NLKzjcs   Esther Phillips

My Sister collects the pieces that just didn't fit any more in, lets say for clarity Aunt Mary's house as she came up in the world and changed the house but always kept certain pieces that you always remember being there as a child. Think back you know what I am talking about..It is the pieces you grew to love those pieces because they didn't fit and they kept you grounded as a child because those pieces let you know Aunt Mary was still Aunt Mary..Think back! These are always the pieces the son, daughter, sister, brother, don't want! "That old thing"and they always gave these peices to my sister..Their rational was that " well you know Eve did come by every day ,week, month, baked,cleaned,sat with, Mama"When we couldn't, didn't,was too busy, so she deserves something...But that was the exact piece my sister treasured..Because when she was sitting, visiting, baking, cleaning, she would alway ask things like "when you redid the house why did you keep that Dresser it does not fit?"... Then she would learn why that piece was so important to Aunt Mary ...She would hear the story...Her home is full of these things,and they look good , it is like all these pieces were waiting for a place to come together..That old dresser that leaned before for some reason now stands straight, and do not look out of place at all!! " Damn Aunt Otavia's sofa looks so good here Eve" " I remember"!!!!is what you hear in my sisters home.. I call my sister the memory keeper..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-wmvDu2rJk   Gladys Knight

Well Jazzlovers it has taken me Nine and a half months to unpack and go thru all of my movables around the world. Now I am surronded by things that hold  happy memories. It has taken me so long because I stopped at every memory, and it has given me the strength to see all of this so much clearer. So like my sister when I sit in my living room I am surrounded by old friends and just need a few things to pull it all together.. When I visit my sister I visit all my ansecestors,when I sit at home I visit all my old friends, teachers,family,
warm  fuzzies..There is a story behind eveything here..Now that everything is in it's place I am open to falling in love once more..

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjZy-29vy7c&feature=related  Esther Phillips


Well Jazzlovers Until Next time...

Keep the beat.


DWJazzlover..

"You are A Dizzy Bitch"

Hello Jazzlovers...


Another Beautiful Day in Beautiful Bahrain...



" You are a diiizzzzy Biitcchh"! My Mother once said to me in the way only a Southern Lady can!! It brought me up sharp because my Mother had never called me out of my name...I had often heard her call my sister a "Borrowed face heifer " for reasons that are for my sister to tell....But for me it was the first time..it made an impact...The situation was, it was a holiday and we were at my sisters house, ( I think Christmas) I had just turned 20 a couple of weeks before.My sisters oldest son was about 6 years old and had been give a drum set for Christmas..We were in the den and dancing to old school, when I realised that my Nephew was playing along with the music..I stopped in mid step to listen!!!when I heard  " You are a diiizzzzy Biitcchh"!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM4BAtqzqaI Big maybelle

It only took me a second to realize why..my family was by now acoustomed to my oddities, but my brother in laws family were not and all of them were looking at me with smirks..My mother was very protective of me..But I know it was not the situation we were in at the time that caused her to say this to me...And today i know she was right. I feel I have walked through life with blinders on as to what others see in me..I now realize how lucky I have been in my innocence I realize just how good God has been  to me..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQxb8Tirlj0&feature=related Nellie Lutcher

One of the most amazing moments in my life was the moment I realilized that the thing I most wanted in life I would never have. ("Hope springs eternal" for some,),Yet there is that moment when you know that it is futile! Either you give up or aim in another direction, I chose the latter. Now is the time for me...What would make me happy? Now is the time to celebrate myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajwnmkEqYpo Dream a little dream

The thing I wanted the most was love,that all consuming passion,that sharing,that hunger when seperated,that delight of looking into someone's eyes and seeing yourself reflected..You know the love I am talking about!
The day I realized it is not going to happen was the most dificult day of my life, It is when you ask your self the question "what's left? The answer is I still have me and I will move on and make myself happy! It is not about what other people think of you, it is how you love yourself...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8gjyS-QEVs Etta James

So you see my Mother was right and if stopping in mid step to listen is confusing to others,( "Out of Confusion comes Understanding")Then I wear the Label Dizzy Bitch well...

Thanks Mom..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUxrsG-61fs  Feeling Good Randy Crawford..

Well Jazzlovers Until next time.

Keep the beat..

DW Jazzlover

Paris and Aging

Street Artist Paris


Another Beautiful Day In Beautiful Bahrain


Hello Jazz Lovers.


I have not written for a while because I was not ready to give up on the wonderful  knowledge of the discovery of my love for my Father..I will write more about that place later,but today I needed to write..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s7QNpqiqsc\

My first trip to Paris was in 1983, a dream come true because of Mr.James Baldwin and his experiences in Paris it was a must on my journey...James was so right, Paris in the early 80's was so wonderful..walking around the city was a dream come true..There was so much beauty every where I stepped ,the city was really magic in those days..I was young,cute and innocent a great combination because the city opened to me..The only thing I knew about Paris was what James Baldwin had written and I wanted to see it through his eyes..If you doubt that read "Just above My Head" and all his writings on Paris..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQhjA7SHGro

I spent hours walking, I spent hours at sidewalk cafes in Place St.Germaine, and my favorite cafe on the corner of Place St Michael.. this is still one of my favorite places...from that cafe you can see all of the Place St. Michael and in those days Paris as the fashion capital was seriously for real..one of the beautiful things about Paris is that people watching is totally acceptable..and there were beautiful, stylish people every where you looked, it was wonderful, young and old were just the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!!I was for 2 weeks one of them, I dressed well and just enjoyed being a part of the parade...I was able to let my head go...I felt what James had felt, It was Ok to be an individual, I felt completely free!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YEFKJJx48Q

Now I have never been shy about dancing and very hot club was recommended to me, and of course I went!!  Discothèque Haute Tension, (it is sad to say it is not there any more) was the hottest club I have ever been to in my life!!!There were 3 floors a quiet nice night club bar on the ground floor , I will skip the next level(Private knowledge) and the last level below ground was the disco, (a bomb shelter)and the music was tight,tight, tight...I knew no one but the didn't matter to me at all..I got on the dance floor because I was feeling the music, no one else was dancing at this time, until I got on the floor and the next thing I knew people were lining up side of me and across from me and staring hard,it was a little discomforting for a few seconds because I had been dancing with my eyes closed. Then I realized they were trying to pick up my steps..and Baby the party was on!!!For once in my young life I was the Belle of the Ball, it was a night I will remember for ever!!I got back to my hotel 3 days later..Truly a James Baldwin experience...

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU8Yesm6sAc

But Alas everything changes in 30 years even Paris,my favorite cafe is still there and it is still a pleasure to sit and watch the world go by but the young people no longer have that Paris Chic, it could be the streets in any US City,sneakers,jerseys,and jeans only.....But I dressed and still got attention,but the true reminder of what Paris was like was the French Women over 50, they were beautiful and very stylish and was worth every moment of watching,but the amazing thing was just how sexy they were and it was done with such class!!!They gave me a sense of continuation and of aging with beauty and grace was a serious possibility because they were living proof..The city itself has not changed Paris is still a very beautiful city..the younger people have changed, but if you sit quietly for a few minutes the elegnce and style that Paris is known for is very much alive !!! And so am I.. Thank you James!! It has been my pleasure..

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYhY3Z4QwTo

Well Jazzlovers it time to go for a while, thank you for stopping by..

so until next time..

Keep the beat..

DW Jazzlover..

Thoughts of My Father

My Father 1937

Hello Jazzlovers,

A Beautiful Summer day here in Beautiful Bahrain..

My Father has been on my mind since Fathers day this year..I have been thinking of him a lot.. I have said often in this blog that when one clears his mind of past ramifications of actions that caused pain, the view is so much clearer...On my home town Facebook page, a lot of people were writing about their fathers, and their remembered experiences were beautiful..This was my entry..."My Father was a good man in the community, He had a kind heart and was well liked....He was a very good provider..But he knew nothing about love and when he would bring Mr.Vodka home he could be crazy as Hell !!!! and I loved him...He was one of the most innocent men I have ever known.." The reason My Father has been on my mind is becasue after saying this it I realized was very true...because I really did not know my Father growing up, I am just starting to know him..even though he was in my life...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s7QNpqiqsc

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old but my father was in the Pacific when i was born and they never lived together after he came home...He was writing another woman and all the mail came to my mothers house, and in her pain she never took him back! You see he was her first love...and she never stopped loving him...so for the first 6 years of my life he was not there..I knew who he was and would see him driving and when he stopped at his sisters cafe, but he never addressed me in any way never blew his car horn or iniated any contact...I caught a whipping every Monday from my Stepfather because I  was to pick up my child surpport from an Aunt's house where my father left the $3.75 a week. Every week i baught a Mule (Ginger bread only found in the south) for 25 cents...I felt it was my right!!Smile and I knew I would catch a whipping but it was mine!!! This was the interaction I had with my father for the first 6 years of my life....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQZC82E2wio

At 6 I had a very traumatic experience , I was raped by a very trusted member of our community..Talk about a life changing experience...I don't remember the horror of the rape it'self but the ramifications I remember very well..you see I told and they really did not know how to deal with it so it was easier to silence me that it was to deal with the legal actions...My mother to remove me from harms way sent me to live with my father..This stranger...I will never forget the smell of his car (a Willis Jeep) it was so strange to me...it took me a year to call him Daddy...My stepmother bless her gave me healing time, I will forever love that woman....and her Mother My Grandmother was my life line....it took me a year to start trusting once more but that trust is still severly fragile..6 is too young to become an adult...After 9 I never lived in the same house hold 2 years in a row..until I left home for good.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_1LfT1MvzI&feature=related

Now back to my statment on face book that is is the truth.. I did learn things about my father,the most important thin I learned was that he was not a happy man...I learned why the night I left home for good..when he revealed his saddness for losing my mother...that is the only time in my life my father told me he loved me..but by now I did not trust that...it came tooo late..because by now I was Battling my own issues...and my father died 2 years after that night...and that is where this story starts....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAa8vwmeewU

It was at my Fathers funeral I realized I had tears in my eyes, not from sadness that he was dead , I was crying because I had no idea of who was laying in that coffen !!!....Who was this man ? What was he too me? What had I missed?I was so confused!!And I put it totally out of my mind all these years until 2 years ago when I had the first dream of him..In the dream I was back home and I was helping him to my mothers funeral and I had to carry him, I remember in the dream how heavy he was and he was holding on to me so tightly and how many road blocks that were in our paths but I did not drop him and I found comfort in holding him. when we Got to the funeral home I told him you have to go on alone..that dream has stayed with me...until today...

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgLHVi40Gc8

Every photo I have of my father was taken after I was born, bascilly when I knew him until 2 days ago when My Cousin sent me the above Photo...This photo I have never seen, it was taken in 1937 at his place of employement and where he met and married  my mother a year later..and this is the man I would have loved to know! I love the twinkle in his eyes, this man I can understand my mother falling in love with!!I completely healed seeing this photo to know there was a time he was free and confident,before he was hurt! I love the look on his face, this is the man I have been looking for all my life and I finally met him and I can let him go now..This is my validation.

Thanks Cuz...  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0AMnyU_RG0


Until next time

JazzLovers

Keep the beat...

DWJazzlover