I don't plan to Die as a Lie...
Hello Jazzlovers,
There will be some interesting recommendations at the end of the blog!!!
I lost a very good friend this week, I don't have the details yet but I did get the news...I had been looking for him for over a year..I mentioned him to my Cuz in an email a day or so ago, and i got the news from her today...I have mentioned him on my hometown blog and everyone had amnesia..Why you ask? Because he was a man who loved men! Some have amnesia because of convictions,some because of a guilty Conscience, and some for what ever reason...and all of this is a results of the Environment we were reared..It is nobodies fault...Please understand that!! It is because people make you live a lie!! And all of our experiences of coming out is very different..The Friend I called today to confirm, is a friend from 1st grade,and has been out since 1st grade,He has also had his challenges...
There are so many things being said and written about being "Gay"or as my personal choice of terms is A Man who loves Men. But coming out is a life time journey. It is coming to grips with Gods love, in spite of this world,it is a journey into One's self...it is understanding God does not make misstakes. I am speaking only for me! But AJ,s Crossing over really made me think about it..I truly hope he came to grips with it..Because he was a beautiful person... Also one of the best Drum Majors My High Shcool ever had.. " That is what I mean about Amnesia!!!
It is Hell living a life that even those living it, don't understand it. If there are any more letters added to gay life! We would have our own alphabet, LGBT,DL(down low) it only means we are all looking for an Idenitity and like the fingers on your hand we are all different...
The only time in my life I lived openly as a Man who loves Men,was the 2 years I lived in San Francisco in the Castro. yet how open was that? There are many divisions in the M2M community and even among people who are discimanted against, as a Black man, there was still the age old discriminations. The Castro like Montrose, Throckmorton,The Village, etc are all Ghettos (safe Ghettos) because when you leave the area there are still attitudes..Where ever you go you take your issues with you,,
I hope AJ found what I did....I have finally intergrated myself...1st I am a Man, 2nd I am a Black Man,3rd I am a Man who loves Men, and I self lovingly are all three...I am not confused, nor do I now or ever wished I were a woman,( I love Women though) I don't play a role, (Why is that always the first question/) in bed,When I am with a man I am with a man and those posssibilites are unlimited.. (take a monent to think about that). Don't get me wrong I have gone through some serious confusion in my life about why! That is set in motion early in a society filled with roles, it was very hard to find myself,and I thank this Universe that I did at last.
People make you lie! Not for your comfort but for theirs..But living a double life insults our creator...You can lie to man but you cannot lie to God..
Rest in Peace My dear friend...
To Be continued........There is much more to say about coming out!!!
This post music recommendations:
"Children of The Night" Cassandra Wilson 2003
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUny2g-FpCE
"The Red Earth" Dee Dee Bridgewater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cr7kG1MvrM
"The Sea" Rod Mckuen with Anita Kerr Composer and arranger..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qbPpxgIE-w
Book Recomendations:
"What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" E.Lynn Harris is a must read...
'Just Above My Head" James Baldwin.. Well Worth reading before it goes out of print...
Jazzlovers This blog is still finding it's voice, it's melody, it's lyrics and it beat..so stay with me...
Until next time Jazzlovers..
Keep the beat!
DW Jazzlover..
Bravo D! Beautifully written and expressed.
ReplyDeleteTerribly poignant and inspiring, as well as thought-provoking. There is so much to be gleaned from your words. Thank you for sharing this! It is a post to revisit over and over.
ReplyDeleteHeartfelt and heart received. I had an uncle(one of 10) who was a world traveler and when I was growing up and well into my teens;he brought joy and wonder into my provincial world. He refused to call me by my nickname (which I loathe) and when he would address me..I felt so special.
ReplyDeleteA lot of whispering at family reunions and home going celebrations about him. Why he never married or spoke of romantic liaisons with women. He was fine and as my first cousin would say "that Hershey Chocolate..yummy kind of fine".
It's been many years since his death and I wish he could have been open about that part of him that the relatives used to whisper about. I saw a wonderful and fascinating side of him and as a result of his intervention; I didn't view others and the world through very narrow lens. As an adult, I realized that he was a "lover of men" and one in particular for many years. The family loved only those aspects of him that they found acceptable but I loved him totally! I wish you well on your journey of truth telling.
At Carolyn Thank you for sharing this with us..The hiding something everyone knows is not easy..But he had you and your loves comes through..
ReplyDeleteThe whispering, the innuendo, the family's unspoken issue.
ReplyDeleteHow many have tread this path?
Like so many others I'm too old to care and too young to fret anymore.
So True Alan How Many!
ReplyDeleteThere are some things that your spirit just knows, & those who are close enough to truly KNOW your spirit will know those things too.
ReplyDeleteStrange, but long before I really KNEW myself, or even understood its lyrical meaning, that song "Children of The Night", haunted me. It spoke to me in a way that made me feel as if it was about ME.
Again, a spirit-knowing thing.
Snatch JOY!
One.
Awesome expressions D, introspectively and retrospectively. Thank you God for D's life and his ability to share his journey with all of us. Love you Cuz.
ReplyDelete